Thanks!!

So, starting today: one me, one site. My reviews, my rants, my photos, my life dramas, all in one place. If you don’t care about my FlickR feed, you can ignore it. If you don’t want to read my public diary, skip it. If you are desperate for a cute “thank you” card, then, please please please visit my etsy store. Regardless, I’m unified. All my parts, my remedial polymath self, are together here on the internet for your enjoyment, enlightenment, and voyeurism.

Just like in real life. Except the voyeurism. Cause then I’d have to press charges.

A few nights ago The Boy and I were bored and wanting to watch something stupid in bed that it would be okay if we fell asleep during. So, we pulled out our copy of Underworld, the Crow/Matrix-copying vampire versus werewolf flick that is much more badass that Bella mooning over Edward. I mean, not that it’s a good movie. Kate Beckinsale looks hot and badass in that suit that prolly gave her a yeast infection for a year and it has Michael Sheen in it! Plus, Bill Nighy? Always a win. Sure Ben from Felicity is cast as doctor (once again) and I’m like, dude can barely speak full sentences, no way he’d do well in a medical school interview, but overall, nice cast.

Anyhow, the quality (of lack therefore of) is not the point of this at all. It’s that when watching it, it occurred to me that it’s an allegory for miscesgentation, particularly that between a lording class (Vampires or, say Southern plantation owners) and enslaved peoples (Werewolves or, you know, enslaved African-Americans). The war that continues to wreak havoc between the two immortal species, who share a common evolutionary ancestor, is because a werewolf loved and mated with a vampire. The vampire’s father thinks this is an abomination, a dirtying of their bloodline, a threat to their very species, so he kills his daughter. Obviously her lover is angered and rises up against his servitude and then shit hits the fan. Next thing you know, you have lots of leather capes and people with guns and their best “stern serious face” and slow-motion fighting scenes. What a world, what a world!!!!!

The film comes firmly down on the “race-mixing is okay!” and “but what about love?” side of things. I mean, there’s not only a new Vampire/Werewolf love, but a mixed baby of sorts. WHO HAPPENS TO BE BETTER AND STRONGER AND AWESOMER THAN THE TWO SPECIES!! Could this movie be anymore clear? I mean, yeah, it probably could since it’s kinda confusing and not that well written… I’m not sure whether the writers of this series intended to make this kinda of “we should all get along”/”world peace” statement via Vampires and Lycans, but there ya go.

Intentional or not, it’s better than me realizing the film is on the side of justifying genocide and master races… Cause then I would be forced to know that Michael Sheen was in a movie that was uncool and I’d have to stop crushing on him. Oh, wait…

(Spoilers!)

Last night, The Boy and I finally got around to watching David Fincher’s The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I had waited to see it because I kept wanting to read the book. I have this thing about reading books before seeing movie adaptations… However, I’ve tried three times to get through Stieg Larsson’s runaway hit and I just can’t. I don’t know if it’s the translation making some of the phrasing a bit odd for me or the fact that Mikael just isn’t that interesting a character and he’s in the first part of the book.

After seeing the movie, I definitely think the latter is true. If it weren’t for the natural charisma of Daniel Craig, I would really give a flying fuck about Mikael and his journalistic issues. There’s a reason that Lisbeth Salander is the titular girl with the dragon tattoo. She is an amazing character, played brilliantly by the Oscar-nominated newcomer Rooney Mara. Lisbeth has had a hard life, filled with violence and mental illness and, some have argued, autism. She has been touted as a feminist hero, though that can also be argued, especially since she takes revenge upon her rapist by raping him. I have to say, those scenes were really hard to watch. Raping your rapist makes you a rapist. That’s not okay, in any moral world. It just keeps the rape happening. Though, the outward marking of him as a perpetrator of violence against women was an interesting revenge fantasy played out, since so many rapists walk free and you can’t tell by “looking” at someone. Also, the massive amount of violence against women, detailed and shown in photographs and flashbacks, seemed to want to be a part of some anti-misogynist statement, yet is very much based on a misogynist form of storytelling.

Still… I enjoyed the film. I thought the pacing was great. The performances were either good or very good and I wanted to know what was going to happen and why. That’s the mark of a good thriller, in my book. Yes, I felt that the motivations for why this Nazi-ish guy tortures women were left unexplored (perhaps not in the book), but I felt a connection to Lisbeth. She’s amoral and I don’t agree with her revenge methods, but she’s compelling. And, the one true feminist aspect of this story is that she saves the day. She’s the doer. She solves the case and she saves the man in distress. It was refreshing to see that, especially with a character that has been sexualized, but not in a “Wanted”/Angelina Jolie-type way. She’s hot because she’s Lisbeth and will kick your ass, not that she will kick your ass and you want to watch because she is hot.

I’m still not sure I’ll ever read the book, but I will probably rent the second film, if it ever gets made. Or suck it up and watch the Swedish versions… I’m almost ashamed to admit this, but I hate watching thrillers with subtitles. My brain can’t handle both… I get confused enough with mysteries when it’s in English.

HOW DO THEY NOT SEE THEIR RIDICULOUSNESS?!?!?! Ann Romney can throw a fit for being called out on her privilege and claim that Democrats hate mothers while she and her husband make it harder for poor mothers to raise their kids. Only rich women can be stay-at-home moms, I guess. Even though beloved anti-feminist Phyllis Schlafley is still going on about how women shouldn’t work. People, if you really want this to happen, YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR IT SOMEHOW.

Babies be costing mad money, yo.

Well friends, I am a really nice person. Like, the best person ever. Why, you ask? Because I read Fifty Shades of Grey, so you don’t have to. I mean, unless you wanna read really poorly written smut based on Twilight. Then, by all means, this is the book for you.

I’m not really sure where to begin. I guess with a little about the book. Written by some British lady named E.L. James, apparently the story began as Twilight fan fiction and then, with some name changes, an underground ebook hit. Oh and part of this new fad called “Mommy Porn,” and appeals, I guess, to all the Twi-hard mothers out there who got kicks out of Stephanie Meyer’s chastity-based series. The ‘Bella’ of Fifty Shades is a literature student named Anastasia who has is a virgin and has no idea that any boys have every liked her. Just like Bella in Twilight who cannot fathom why she’s worth existing or talking to until Edward likes her. Actually, until she becomes a vampire and awesomely sparkly. Christian (Edward), is a wealthy billionaire who is young and sexy and into BDSM. And so begins a true love story of our time, when klutzy brunette interviews sexypants Christian, make his dingle dangle point towards her like due north. By “true love story” I obviously mean kinda graphic sex scenes punctuated by really stupid plots about drug addict mothers, feelings, and vengeful bosses. Anyhow, the positives of the book: It outlined BDSM quite well. As in, treated it as a respectful lifestyle that is between consensual adults, not a deviance. Except, of course, Christians first foray into BDSM with his mother’s friend, which is totes uncool. Everyone except Christian treats that “relationship” as what it is: rape. That was nice to see in a book that’s become so popular. That young men having sex with older women isn’t something to aspire to or give a nice “high five” about. It’s an adult using her power to have sex with a teenager, who is unable to truly give consent due to maturity and power dynamics. Finally, Anastasia is a much more actualized person than Bella is, with will and opinions of her own, and a drive to have things in her life that have nothing to do with her romantic partner. I’m not saying she’s a feminist role model or anything, but she’s sex-positive and career-minded and self-sufficient.

The negatives. Or at least a few, as there are so very many…. The sex scenes are only just graphic enough to titillate and get redundant after a while. There is much dirtier stuff out there on fanfiction.net and for Harry Potter or Firefly or whatever tickles your bits. ::smiles sheepishly:: Moving on…Without the fantasy strength and vampire-ness of Edward, Christian’s over-protectedness reads even more domestic violence-y than Twilight does. There are way too many sentences where Ana does something or says something and then worries what Christian’s reaction will be. Sometimes, it’s a sexy worry, part of the BDSM aspect of the relationship. But most of the time, it’s a fear of his anger, of his disproportionate emotional reactions, of his taking control over things in her life that are real warning signs. I mean, the dude buys the company she wants to work at! It’s just gross. Yes, it’s explained that he was abused as a child and is self-loathing and that he’s shifting into a relationship of equals for Ana, but lines like “Christian is going to freak, I know, but how much and how far, I have no idea,” are unsettling to me. Finally, and most annoyingly, Anastasia refers to herself in three parts: herself, her conscious, and her inner goddess. The later two do stuff, like strut or dance or fall off couches. It’s stupid, distracting, and just plain bad writing.

Overall, it’s not good reading by any stretch of the imagination. It’s super popular though and a quick read if you are curious what the fuss is about. I read all three books in about three days. It was like eating too much candy–my brain hurt from the stupid but I just couldn’t stop. A movie version is slated and currently being cast, though I’m not sure how they will film the only worthwhile parts of the book: the smut. Honestly, if you want to see a really great depiction of a BDSM relationship, and a film I consider one of the most romantic ever, rent Secretary. It’s only two hours and is a much better way to spend your time.

Or you can watch Ellen read from Fifty Shades of Grey to get a good idea of its content… and with sound effects!

Except, of course, that’s totally unfair. Not the “don’t be racist” part, the “be everything I am part.” Yes, it would be great to have more women of color on tv. But the fact that Girls has become a lightening rod is because it appears to be the only one of its kind standing out in the field during a thunderstorm. There are more women on tv, not all great (Whitney, Chelsea), but very few are acting in feminist ways. And those that are (Parks and Recreation, Shonda Rhimes’s shows) are not about young women trying to make it after college. When you want something to reflect your experience so badly, of course you are going to either love it too much or criticize it into pieces.

Anyhow, I haven’t actually watched Girls yet. I’ve been to0 nervous to with all the hubbub around it. Will I love it, despite knowing its problematic relationship with race and privilege? Will I hate it, despite it honestly showing women’s reproductive choices? Will I not care at all and wish I had both my time and my DVR space back? It’s too much right now…

I’m not against awareness raising, per se. Hell, it’s what I do here. However, to me there are two kinds of awareness raising. There’s pointing out to someone when they are being insensitive or racist or uncool and why, and then there’s putting up posters about some issue you really have no interest in or plan on doing anything about other than wearing a bracelet. Kony 2012 is the latter. And somehow it managed to combine two groups of simple-minded people into one cause, the ‘Oprah’ watchers (who don’t realize they are being sold stuff wrapped in “philosophy” so that O’s empire can continue to grow) and the alternative college-aged crowd (who put up PETA posters at Thanksgiving but have no problem with the fact that PETA sexually objectifies human women for any and all reasons). I mean, really? Harnessing those two types of people together in an attempt to change the world… by putting posters up and sharing videos on Facebook and buying bracelets? Genius.

Except of course, posters do nothing. And the founder of Kony 2012 (now sadly experiencing severe mental illness) is an evangelical anti-gay advocate who raises lots of money and then doesn’t actually give much of it to Ugandans. The same Ugandans who are like, “Colonialist bitch, get out of our business. Or at least give money to actual aid groups working here to help!”

Anyhow, I’m bringing this up because the big day of social activism that the video was to inspire came and went. And amounted to basically nothing. Well, except some assholes spray painting public art pieces and historic sites. “Wooo! My destruction of historical buildings totally just saved a black baby’s life! I am so connected to the Universe! I’m gonna buy another bracelet so everyone will know how amazing and caring I am!”

One of the comments on the article about the graffiti left on public pieces was so brilliant, I just have to share it here as my final word.

If you talkin’ about Kony, I feel bad for you son. 
He snatched 99 kids and your poster saved none.

Actually, my final word is going to be: people who felt moved by this video. Keep that feeling and DO SOMETHING WITH IT. At the very least, research an organization before you donate to it. Because it might turn out that said organization cares as much about spreading anti-gay Christianity as they do about stopping genocide.

Bobby: By the year 2013, we will have a fully functioning mall on Jupiter

First off, did you know that Amy Poehler wrote and directed last night’s episode? I didn’t! Go Amy! Starring, writing, and making other people do what you want. ::tips sneaking around clothes hat::

Too bad it was a somewhat uneven episode. ::sad face:: Paul Rudd’s much-anticipated return as Bobby Newport did not disappoint. Mainly because he didn’t disappoint at the debate, which was a nice bit of tension. He came off as charming and sweet and Leslie as mean and aggressive. That is until he threatened that Pawnee’s biggest employer Sweetums would leave for Mexico if he didn’t win. Leslie, who had been holding back her attacks (and making me genuinely nervous for her), let it all lose with a speech that gave me goosebumps and caused her opponent to stupidly applaud her and get misty-eyed. Man, that guy is dumb as rocks. And oh so cute. Anyhow, despite Leslie’s triumphant final word at the debate, broken-hearted Tom being the hilarious petulant child he is, and Andy brilliantly acting out movie scenes for donors at the “debate viewing party with no cable,” it felt off. Perhaps it was because I watched it at 6:30am after my cat woke me up or perhaps it was that the other local candidates at the debate were a distraction. Actually, it was really only the porn star Leslie-lookalike that was off in tone. Why is a porn star living in Pawnee? So much of this show tries to be realistic, albeit zany, so the gun guy (Buddy Garrity!!!) and the weird animal activist guy made sense. But a porn star? Whose punch line is that she’s slutty and looks like Leslie? A rampant PTA mom or a local Phyllis Schlafly or an aged former cheerleader would have made more sense as the other female candidate. Still, the quick fire of random statements was well done, so I appreciated that it was more than Leslie versus Bobby on the stage.

Overall, a good episode. It didn’t quite live up to my expectations, but for Parks and Recreation, those expectations are so high you’d need all the random pole climbing equipment Ron Swanson keeps in his car to reach them.